‘I can’t afford to keep paying for two households’: My adult son lives rent-free in my house, and I pay 50% of the bills in my second husband’s condo.
In 2007, my now ex-husband and I bought a house, and we lived there as a family with our two sons for just a few years before divorcing in 2009. I refinanced the house into my name and paid the mortgage and bills. As a single parent ever since.
In 2016, I met a man and started dating. We lived about 10-15 minutes away from each other. In 2021, after my battle with cancer, he proposed and I accepted. Since we lived just a few minutes apart, I stayed at my husband’s two-bedroom condo from Thursday through Sunday, and spent Sunday through Thursday at home where I worked from home. I’ve done this for years.
My older son moved back with me in 2021. He graduated from high school in 2017 and I gave him a gap year to live at my house to decide his next move, then move and start his career. He lived alone for a year, then with his parents for another year. He met a woman. They signed a lease and then the pandemic hit. After his lease expired, they parted ways and he decided to return to college full-time. I agreed that he could live at my house while he was in college. His tuition is covered by grants and a 529 fund set up by his grandmother.
In 2022, my then-boyfriend and I got married. But we haven’t moved in together full-time because I still have a home and my youngest son hasn’t graduated from high school yet. I wanted to be home with him.
Help support two households
My youngest son, 19, graduated from high school in 2023. Later that summer, I moved out to be with his husband full time. I pay 50% of the cost of living with my husband and 100% of the cost of living in a house where my sons live.
I tried to keep both households going so my youngest could take a gap year, and to provide a cushion while my eldest, who I never thought would go to university, studied. They are young and finding their own way, and I wanted to give them the support I felt they needed. But it’s 2024, and we can’t afford to continue running two households without impacting our ability to save for retirement.
Here is my dilemma: I don’t know how to get the kids out of the house, cleaned, staged, and listed for sale. We live in an area where the average rent for a two-bedroom apartment is $1,800 per month. My youngest son works full time for his passion for BMWs and earns about $2,400 a month. My oldest 25 year old works part time in retail and makes about $1,000 a month while he is in college. They both work within 3 miles of my house. They simply cannot afford to move, and I cannot afford to continue paying for two households.
To make matters worse, I have about $100,000 in equity in my home, and I’d like to use that money to pay off small debts, buy a car, and retire with the rest. But my mother, who has had a long and successful career in real estate, thinks I should wait a little longer, let my assets continue to build, and give my children a bit of a cushion while they find their own way.
Can you help me shop and find an apartment, help install utilities, and help me move? Do you plan your project with a deadline, or do you continue to look for locations in the hope that you will eventually find one you like? If it covers rent, will it help with monthly expenses and provide $400 per month for utilities?
I know this will probably be easy for others, but I’m at a loss as to when and how to do this. We all feel stuck, scared, and anxious. Any advice would be appreciated.
wife and mother
Related: My cousin left his fortune to six of his relatives, but due to ‘unforeseen events’ only one cousin received the inheritance worth $30 million.
“When I talk about my mother, listen to what you say. “If you can rent your home, pay the mortgage and wait for it to appreciate in value.”
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To my beloved wife and mother,
The longer you support your two adult sons, the longer they will depend on you and need you as their personal ATM. You brought them over the finish line, and then some. You raised them, educated them, fed them, clothed them, and housed them. Now you are paying your electricity bill and other bills. Now is the time for your boys to stand on their own two feet and, as my Irish mother said, cut the fabric to those measurements.
On the topic of motherhood, listen to yourself. If you can rent your home, pay the mortgage and wait for it to appreciate in value. Your mother works in real estate and she knows what she’s talking about. In an ideal world, real estate is a long-term game. Now is the time for your boys to downsize to a smaller apartment, pay their own bills and experience the joy of standing on their own two feet. You need to cut the cord.
Act with integrity and intention. The best way to make a big change – perhaps as big an emotional change as a financial one – is to be prepared. Sit down with your son and an independent financial advisor and do a forensic accounting of their income, expenses, and where they spend their money. I can almost guarantee that their subsidized lifestyle helps them spend money on areas they could easily cut back on.
Your letter conveys an underlying sense of guilt. Have you done enough? yes. Should I do more? No, you have done a lot and are now putting your son before your own financial security and retirement. If you decide to cut them off, does that make you a bad person or an unfeeling person? Of course not. Quite the opposite. You can set an example by showing them what it means to make difficult decisions and stick to them.
After calculating your son’s income and expenses, if necessary, look at rental properties in your neighborhood or nearby areas. The goal is for them to start taking responsibility for themselves. They don’t need a two-bedroom apartment. They may live in a one-bedroom condo or take turns sleeping on a sofa bed. It’s a rite of passage, teaching young people the value of money and what it means to be responsible for yourself.
The percentage of adult children living with their parents in the United States has steadily increased since the 1960s. During the 2020 pandemic, one-third of children aged 18 to 34 lived with their parents as non-custodians. Men and 18- to 24-year-olds are more likely to live at home than women and 25- to 34-year-olds, respectively, according to a study distributed by the National Bureau of Economic Research. Parents receive support at home. Children get to experience an affordable lifestyle.
However, the NBER found that while the social benefit of living with adult children does not necessarily delay retirement, the benefit of giving your children a head start by giving them a place to live begins to diminish as their ability to save for retirement declines. do. , and you are spending the money to support two households. This is also money you could spend on vacations, new cars, and building a future with your husband. You deserve to enjoy life and put yourself first for a change. I tell my sons, “You are ready. I’m ready. i love you. Let’s do it this way.”
If you have any financial or ethical questions, you can email The Moneyist at qfottrell@marketwatch.com and you can follow Quentin Fottrell on X, a platform previously known as Twitter.
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