A friend of mine invited me to a concert, and then asked me to take him out to dinner.
Dear Quentin,
I have a good friend who I like very much. He’s one of those people that I feel very comfortable around, like I’ve known him for years. It’s hard to make friends in New York. People have little time after work to plan their next move: friendships, the gym, kickboxing classes, therapy, checking out their stock portfolios, and frankly, climbing the corporate ranks. Because I grew up in the Midwest, I expected people to take more time to develop friendships. This guy put in the effort. That meant we got together for dinner once a week for about an hour and a half.
He called me this morning to invite me to a concert at Carnegie Hall. Even though I’m not a fan of classical music (I usually fall asleep when I watch opera), I told him I would go and develop my taste for classical music. It’s better than sitting at home or watching all the commercials in the movie theater. He said, “Good. “I look forward to meeting you.” But before I hung up the phone, he added, “I think it would be nice if you took me to dinner.” It was 8 am. It was early to call anyone, but my point is, I was tired. And I said, “Yes!”
But I was shocked and didn’t know what to say. I’ve invited him to the theater in the past, but I never expected him to buy me dinner. In fact, the last time I brought him to the theater, he brought another friend with him, and I ended up bringing him to dinner! I didn’t mind it because I think “what goes around comes around” in a good way. I try not to calculate who invites whom, and just assume everything is in order, even during the wash. But now there are evenings where I feel obligated or forced to buy dinner with that friend.
Being told to take out your credit card doesn’t end well. What would you like to do? Is this normal behavior?
friend in need
Related: ‘I felt humiliated’: She slipped her credit card into the waiter on her way to the bathroom. Does it bother you when a girl pays for dinner on her first date?
“Some people have certain social protocols to make life easier, especially in expensive cities like New York.”
MarketWatch Illustration
To friend,
As my friend said, it would have been better if he had phrased the question differently. “Would you like to see this concert at Carnegie Hall? “I’ll buy you a ticket, so you can have dinner.” It may not be the most polished way to give an invitation, but it at least sets the conditions in advance. You don’t want to get a free ticket from a stranger on the street who points to a nearby restaurant and adds, “Now I have to buy you dinner!” Taking him out to dinner seems fair, but being asked to do so is ~ after You accepting his invitation to the theater is a rug pull.
There is another unspoken problem here. The invitation seems sharp, and if it seems sharp, it probably is sharp. You have your own social contract, which may be less transactional on the surface, but may not work consistently. This leaves room for missed dinner invitations and theater invitations. That may leave people who put a bee in their bonnet and take a different course of action. “Last time I went to Carnegie Hall, I paid and he didn’t even buy me dinner!” — even if you feel like you’ve returned the favor in other ways.
Some people have certain social protocols to make life easier, especially in expensive cities like New York. For example, if a person buys a $20 glass of wine, they might say to their dinner companion, “I’ll leave a $20 tip. I don’t think it’s fair that you pay for my drink when I did.” It is polite. And the next time you meet and the same thing happens to another friend, they can say, “I’ll get a tip.” That means you understand the protocol. The problem here is that Carnegie Hall ticket prices range from $81 to $224. Therefore, it is not a cheap price to go out at night.
What are you doing? You won’t enjoy the concert. Especially because he’s going because he has an extra ticket and because he thinks he’s doing him a favor by trying not to sleep through the concert. And you won’t be able to enjoy your meal because you’ll be asked to present your credit card at the end of the meal. The advantage of giving an invitation is that it is a gift that has monetary value. Of course, it also means that your friend wants to spend time with you. So going now won’t do him any favors.
If the event is more than 3 days away, say no. Excuse yourself politely and pick up the bill the next time you go out to dinner.
If you have any financial or ethical questions, you can email The Moneyist at qfottrell@marketwatch.com and you can follow Quentin Fottrell on X, a platform previously known as Twitter.
Moneyist regrets that we are unable to answer questions individually.
Quentin Fottrell’s previous columns:
‘I don’t want my wife to lose everything’: Diagnosed with dementia. She suddenly found herself unable to spell or read.
‘It hasn’t been easy’: My sister is a huge hoarder and procrastinator. She is delaying probate on my parents’ estate. oh my god?
‘I gave up a career I loved passionately’: My husband secretly set up a trust containing our home and his own investments. What should I do?
Please confirm Moneyist personal Facebook This is a group looking for answers to life’s trickiest money questions. Post a question or contribute to the latest Moneyist column.
By emailing your question to Moneyist or posting your dilemma to the Moneyist Facebook group, you agree to have your question posted anonymously on MarketWatch.
By submitting your story to Dow Jones & Co., publisher of MarketWatch, you understand and agree that we may use your story, or a version of it, in any media and platform, including through third parties.
