I don’t want to leave my financially irresponsible daughter in my home. Is that unreasonable?

I’ve already told her I’ll leave her a few thousand dollars from my retirement, but I know she’ll use up anything I give her. I don’t want to leave her my home of my own will. Am I overdoing it? The loan balance is only $28,000 and the mortgage payment is very low. One reason: If she knows she’s going to earn her own money, she’ll be even less motivated to manage her own finances wisely.

I talked to a therapist and he doesn’t have a solution. My daughter’s friends are all similarly ill-equipped and there are no adults she can be interested in. My therapist said, “Why should I care?” But I do. Plus, her freewheeling spending leaves her unable to pay ongoing taxes, insurance, and upkeep.

I told her not to spend the modest severance pay she earned from her previous job. She did and that’s because she said it was small. I let her use my car and paid for her maintenance and insurance. I pay for her phone. She doesn’t pay her rent and doesn’t do much of her housework. Often she runs out of money and has to take out her own loans. She continues to get her credit cards, pay them off, and repeat the cycle.

When I try to talk to her calmly, she argues. I tried to get her to create her budget. She won’t do it. Earlier, she agreed to pay her entire phone bill with her own contribution. She paid automatically using her credit card. Since the card was past due, I had to make good on it and start taking responsibility again.

I try to set small goals for her, but she isn’t receptive. Still, she buys a bunch of her own snacks and cosmetics and heads off on her vacation. I suggested that she meet with an advisor of her choice to resolve these issues, but again she was not interested. I even offered to take out a mortgage for myself and she would have to pay it back, but again no response.

I love her very much but I don’t know what to do. My wife sabotaged my efforts with misguided kindness when her daughter was young. She doesn’t do that anymore, but it’s too late.

Simply put, she has no will to manage her money properly. She is in school now, but she worked full time for several years and now works part time. I promised to invest money to get her degree, but I’m going to pay that money directly to the school.

I calmly talked to her about the dire consequences of her actions, but that didn’t get through to her.

father

Dear Dad,

Think twice before passing on your inheritance to your daughter. If she is your only child, don’t allow her your frustration to punish her after her death.

First things first: Take care of yourself. You may have battled cancer repeatedly, and it may have taken a toll on your health. Fear and worry about your own death may contribute to your focus on your daughter’s well-being. You might think she has less time to help her daughter balance her books and get her back on the right track, but the truth is that her daughter is operating on her own timetable.

That said, the situation you describe sounds extremely dysfunctional. You are her enabler and her avenger, paying her phone bill and her rent and threatening to cut her off from your will. Plus, you and your wife are playing good cop/bad cop, intentionally or not. This is a “Kramer vs. Kramer” situation where the daughter can pit her parents against each other. One rewards and the other disciplines.

The cycle of your daughter pulling out her credit card seems to mirror the cat-and-mouse cycle of playing with her, even if you’re doing it without realizing it. All of you are probably caught up in the long history of stories passed down to you from your parents. Your daughter will never be who you want her to be. She can be herself, make her mistakes, learn from those mistakes (or not) and grow and mature over time.

You may not realize it, but your daughter, your wife, and your good self are all playing the game. Your daughter rebels, you threaten to disinherit her, and your wife plays peacemaker. You are being rough with her daughter, her wife is being kind, and your daughter is trying to pit you against each other. Not all games are fun, but they are so ingrained in family dynamics that they form patterns that are difficult to see from within.

‘Games’ that people play

Eric Berne wrote a groundbreaking book in 1964 titled “Games People Play.” He defined these games as follows: “A game is a series of complementary secret transactions that progress toward a well-defined and predictable outcome.” “If it wasn’t for you” (perhaps a common phrase between unhappy spouses) or “Yeah, but” (when one person persuades the other to take action but the other always makes excuses for inaction) ) can be.

Each game has special effects and rewards. I’m not sure what game you’re playing, but it’s repetitive and everyone gets some kind of reward. Even if it is unfortunate. That’s for you to find out. You become the leader who knows how the world works, your wife becomes Swiss (secretly fanning the flames), and your daughter resists you and becomes independent of herself, knowing that she will provoke you to repeat the cycle. will claim.

My point is: you every I need family therapy! It’s not just your daughter. Or you. Or your wife. We have to deal with it together. Whether or not I leave my daughter doesn’t matter at this point. that much Threat The key is to withhold a significant portion of your inheritance. Why would you do that? Can the problems that are making my daughter more financially insecure ever be solved? Is it more practical and effective to punish her than to give her her rewards?

elephant in the room

The other elephant in the room is what happens when you die before your wife. You may want your daughter to be disinherited, except for a few thousand dollars, but this game of good cop/bad cop and rebellious daughter will have you disinheriting her while you convince your wife not to act on your wishes. This may continue even after he leaves with his daughter. That may be the final decision on this “game,” or you may have a relative or attorney represent you.

I think your daughter is becoming childish with the constant criticism and interference with her finances. You end up interfering with her and getting frustrated with all her bad habits and her mistakes because you don’t trust her enough to make her own decisions. But it also helps prevent her from standing on her own two feet and facing her music when things go wrong. why? She knows that you will intervene to show her that (a) you care about her and (b) you have told her so.

There are financial therapists who can help us analyze our emotional relationship with money and why we make the decisions we make. But all of you may have to make decisions that go against your instincts. Stop trying to change your daughter, stop trying to save her. She might try her best to make you lose your cool with her. No more loans. Send her her on her vacation. Don’t be around to collect her bills.

A trust can be established with the following provisions: That is, when your daughter receives a certain amount of money and how she can spend it. There is a balance between being overly controlling and being prescriptive enough to encourage her to make her good choices. But ultimately it’s out of your hands. As I said at the beginning of her answer, I am concerned that your reaction to her may be exacerbated by her fears for her own health.

It’s a shame to waste the last few years arguing with your children when you could just put everything aside and enjoy each other.

See more works by Quentin Pottrell:

Would it be okay if my new boyfriend asked me to share some money? ‘I don’t want him to get used to me paying for his meals.’

My stepdaughter is the executor of my late father’s will and now believes she is entitled to the deed to my house. Is that possible?

I inherited $246,000 from my late mother and used $142,000 to pay off my mortgage. Can I claim this money if I get divorced?

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