Eminem’s new cryptocurrency ad fails to seize the moment and slips.

This won’t be another commentary on how stupid it is for celebrities to advertise cryptocurrency. We all know they don’t age well.

Instead, what I want to talk about is why the cryptocurrency ad featuring Marshall Mathers (aka Eminem) failed. Incorporating celebrities into cryptocurrency ads requires creativity, humor, or overall entertainment value. Eminem’s new cryptocurrency ad does none of those things. It has little to do with rappers or cryptocurrencies.

The rapper’s voiceover was featured in a Crypto.com commercial that aired during a Lakers NBA playoff game last week. The ad itself, which is only a minute long, shows a nameless and faceless boxer preparing to face off in a match taking place at the Crypto.com Arena. Eminem’s hollow, encouraging voice can be heard in the background, telling the audience to seize the moment, while the rather infamous slogan “Luck favors the brave” appears onscreen.

I say infamous. Because Matt Damon’s 2022 Crypto.com SuperBowl commercial (which features the Oscar-nominated actor actually appearing on screen and loudly saying the catchphrase) looked so stupid after the FTX collapse. Damon later gave an awkward and paused red carpet interview in which he mentioned that he was only doing the ad to support his water nonprofit during a down year.

Some are already speculating that Eminem’s main motivation for adding his voice to Crypto.com’s latest ad was as part of a marketing push for his upcoming album. But his motivations for becoming cryptocurrency’s latest celebrity spokesperson don’t matter. What matters is how soulless the ad is. As a long-time Eminem stan, watching the commercial for the first time, I looked and lamented all the missed opportunities before my eyes.

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First of all, this is far from Eminem’s first foray into cryptocurrency. He went through his own pretty creepy Bored Ape phase at the height of the NFT boom, culminating in a semi-animated BAYT music video with none other than Snoop Dogg. It was both terrifying and fun. And Crypto.com’s very basic ad could have benefited from a creative reference to Eminem’s real-life interest in cryptocurrency.

Of course, Crypto.com is not an NFT platform. That doesn’t mean a sense of humor isn’t allowed. Especially when you create a very expensive commercial with a rapper who is very famous and previously obsessed with NFTs.

The second point is that there are no wraps. Paying Eminem to remain anonymous and read short, slightly rhyming text over a black-and-white boxing video feels like paying Bob Dylan to promote Victoria’s Secret.

This isn’t Eminem’s first cryptocurrency ad since the ill-fated Crypto Super Bowl. Coinbase and Greyscale put out slightly more interesting ads ahead of the Bitcoin halving, albeit without any celebrities.

As I said above, my point here is not to convince the world that celebrities appearing in cryptocurrency ads are bracing themselves for future embarrassment, financial loss, and potentially SEC fines. We already know that. And I also know that no one can stop cryptocurrency companies from paying celebrities huge sums of money to promote their brands, especially during a bull market. Sam Bankman-Fried set that precedent and it shows no signs of abating even while he is behind bars.

Instead, if you keep seeing celebrity-heavy cryptocurrency ads, I’d suggest making it really shiny. Pay Eminem to write an entire song about Crypto.com trading and release it along with his new album, along with a specifically cryptocurrency-themed music video (which he already has experience with). Let JoJo Siwa wrap another car with a memecoin logo, or let Brooklyn Beckham get a Dogecoin eye tattoo next to his wife’s eye tattoo.

In my opinion, celebrity cryptocurrency ads should only exist if they’re doing something really creative or really stupid. That means matching the ingenuity and creativity of the burgeoning financial technology industry. I’m not sure any SEC lawyers would agree with me. I’m glad I don’t work for the SEC.

Otherwise, it would make celebrity cryptocurrency endorsements illegal for all the obvious reasons (more likely to be securities fraud and misleading investors). In short — go stupid or go home.

I’m not really interested in technology, and I’m not really interested in finance either. I’m interested in writing stories and watching strange things unfold. This is why I got into the cryptocurrency industry. But I’m missing my passion for all things cryptocurrency and blockchain (finance, technology, privacy, yadda yadda), so I’ll just write about things I actually care about instead. Everything about cryptocurrencies with little to do with cryptocurrencies. That’s what this column is about. Find out all the tangential stories coming out of the blockchain and cryptocurrency space, what I think about them, and how I navigate it all as a skeptical former Russian literature major. It is my position as an outsider that allows me to do what I do. We offer our opinions on all aspects of cryptocurrency issues, no strings attached and no skin in the game. If you want to talk about cryptocurrency with me, let’s get off topic.

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