‘I didn’t know how this could happen’: Brother took $200,000 out of mother’s savings

I am the second of three children. My older sister and I are in our 70s, and my younger brother is in his early 60s. My parents were not wealthy, but they were able to sell their farm 10 years ago and with the proceeds they were able to comfortably cover all medical, assisted living, and long-term care expenses.

My parents told the three of us that they never wanted to be a financial burden on our children and that they wanted whatever was shared equally among us after they died. Their will shows it. Since then, my father has passed away and my mother has become very old.

All three of us are married, and none of us have children or heirs. I am retired and debt free. My sister is in a similar situation. Neither of us are wealthy, but we feel financially secure.

my brother’s financial problems

I was shocked to learn of my brother’s situation because we do not discuss personal financial matters with each other. Five years ago, he was fired from his job. This is just one of the company’s moves and is not performance-related.

The worst part was that he was in no rush to get another job. He was very picky about location, salary, and similarity to the type of work he had done before. He always strived to get exactly what he wanted and would not settle for anything less.

He didn’t even consider taking a low-paying job temporarily, moving, or a job that required a long commute just to pay the bills. Over time, he became ‘long-term unemployed’, making his employment consideration more difficult. This went on and on.

After a few months, he started asking his mother for cash. At one point he started asking for large sums of $10,000 over and over again. I manage my mother’s finances, but I always view it as her money and not mine to spend or control. If she wants to give him money, she gives him money.

My mother gave my brother a total of $200,000.

I advised her that these gifts were unwise, but she said she just wanted to help him. So far she has donated nearly $200,000 to him. When I told her that if she didn’t do that, at some point she would run out of money for her own needs, she agreed to put a pause on this.

He’s now broke, more in debt than ever, and still doesn’t have a job. All the money she gave him was gone. It is clear to me that he is in a dire financial situation and is hoping his inheritance will bail him out.

The problem is that at the rate one is going, there is not going to be much of an inheritance for anyone. He has owned his home for 32 years, but his current mortgage balance is more than three times the purchase price. His credit card debt is shockingly high. He emptied his retirement accounts.

He earns a six-figure salary but has been unemployed for four of the past five years, further highlighting the fact that he has been living beyond his means for many years. He doesn’t have a drug, alcohol or gambling addiction, but he seems to have a spending or lifestyle addiction.

Taking advantage of mother’s sympathy

I love my brother and really want what’s best for him, but the financial trouble he’s gotten himself into is so deep that I’m afraid he may never recover, let alone retire. All the while, he took advantage of my mother’s sympathy and financial resources.

This is where it gets sticky. My mom probably won’t live long. Is it selfish of me to expect a third of the amount she would have left if my sister hadn’t taken all this cash from her? Technically, he didn’t steal it because she gave it to him.

I have lived my life without the expectation of inheriting anything, so I don’t really need that inheritance. But I feel like my sister and I are being scammed just because we managed our finances responsibly.

At some point a few years ago, we three children discussed this and agreed that when we settled our mother’s estate, we would adjust the gifts we gave her and count what she had already received as part of her inheritance. This is not specified in her will.

Is there a way to resolve this situation before it escalates any further?

A worried sister and daughter

See also: ‘Low-paying jobs are the economy’s expression of having to get better jobs’: I’ve decided not to tip, except in restaurants. am i wrong?

Dear everyone who is worried,

It’s already off track.

Now is the time to spend less time thinking about your brother’s financial situation and why he does what he does (which may have to do with difficult family dynamics to break) and more time focusing on your mother’s long-term care needs and finances. no see. , and how long the money will last.

Your brother will continue to put his priorities first. He is a master manipulator, whether he realizes it or not, and with or without malicious intent. So your mother needs to look at all of her own assets and show what percentage has been given away and is currently being spent.

As a family, we need a wake-up call. After the fact, you need time to complain and normalize your behavior. Arranging a family meeting with a lawyer and documenting your mother’s finances is a start. How much money does she have set aside for her emergency fund?

Excessive influence, coercion or pressure on an individual who lacks mental capacity may constitute elder abuse. First, it’s a favor here and a favor there. A little money to convince your siblings. A story that touches your heart. Next comes large checks, clothing, jewelry and expensive art.

Write a will that takes this $200,000 into account.

Another lesson for your mother (and everyone else): Wills should be updated every year or two, and your mother’s attorney and/or anyone with power of attorney should advise her to deduct the $200,000 she gave to her brother from the remainder of her inheritance. You should. .

There are several reasons. There is no point throwing good money after bad because the money given to him is now gone. Making it possible by giving your brother preferential treatment will only lead to more requests. And it is fair and equitable to consider these gifts as inheritance.

As their mother grows weaker and more vulnerable, her siblings may see her bank account as their last chance to replenish her dwindling finances. One of the hallmarks of elder financial abuse is isolation, but this can be prevented with a few simple steps.

If your mother has an in-home caregiver, you can ask them to keep you informed of visits or requests from family members, and you can add yourself as a co-signer on her bank account to ensure your siblings can attend to their needs. For future requests, we will process them through you.

Financially Elder Abuse Is Grossly Underreported

The National Center on Elder Abuse, a government agency within the Agency on Aging, and the nonprofit National Adult Protective Services Association both have resources that can guide you through the steps of reporting allegations of abuse.

Considering the amount of money involved, things could get worse before they get better. Elder abuse affects about 5 million Americans each year, according to the National Council on Aging, and several organizations say the number is increasing and underreported.

Studies have shown that older adults lose $2.6 billion annually due to financial abuse. It is estimated that only 1 in 44 cases are actually reported. According to NAPSA, victims of elder abuse are three times more likely to die than those who are not victims of elder abuse.

Elder abuse can happen slowly and through massive manipulation. Even if your mother doesn’t think she is, she may be under some kind of undue influence or intimidation. It’s concerning that it went on for so long that she ended up donating so much money.

Get the ball rolling at those family meetings.

See more works by Quentin Pottrell:

I want my brother to inherit my property. I have three other siblings. Do you need a lawyer? What could go wrong?

I don’t want to leave my financially irresponsible daughter in my home. Is that unreasonable?

My father suffers from dementia and he ‘wrote off’ my brother’s $200,000 home loan. The nursing home’s notary said he was of sound mind. What can we do?

If you have any financial or ethical questions, you can email The Moneyist at qfottrell@marketwatch.com and you can follow Quentin Fottrell on X, a platform previously known as Twitter. Moneyist regrets that we are unable to answer questions individually.

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