‘I feel ignored’: My husband and I are in our 70s. We got married 3 years ago. He is leaving his $1.8 million home to his 10-year-old relative. Is that normal?

What bothers me is that the heir to my husband’s main asset, the home we share (worth about $1.8 million), is my cousin’s grandson, now 10 years old. This is why only this child ‘carries on the family’. My property is worth a little more. I don’t need it for income and it will all go to my children. However, I allowed my husband to use the apartment I owned for the rest of his life. My husband says that if I die before him he can rent it out for extra income. He will also receive half of my American Social Security. I am not entitled to a widow’s pension if the widow dies first.

If I become a widow, I will return to the United States to be closer to my children. I don’t think I need any more money, and I think my kids can make enough money. But I feel ignored by being ignored. Especially because I have changed my life so that we can be together and make good arrangements for my spouse. A young man who would have been in his early or mid-20s when his husband died also does not need much property. Should we accept the situation as warranting a late marriage, or will an impartial observer suggest an alternative? It’s hard to figure out what’s “normal.”

wife of 3 years

To my beloved wife,

You have made the courageous and adventurous decision to move abroad to be with the man you love. You have made a greater sacrifice to leave your grown children and old life behind to be with your husband, so I hope you are satisfied with this move and that we can enjoy at least 15 years together in good health. The fact that your husband only pays one-third of your joint expenses certainly helps him, but if it allows him to live the lifestyle he wants, that’s a good thing. Companionship in your 70s or at any age is invaluable.

There are financial advantages to marrying later. You can share costs, and if one person has employer-based health insurance, they can save money for their partner without that insurance. Maintaining one home is obviously much cheaper than maintaining two separate homes. In many U.S. states, married couples who file a joint tax return can deduct twice the amount as single filers. But as you’ve discovered, there are downsides. This includes medical and long-term care costs if one partner becomes unwell, as well as disputes over inheritance issues.

Accept his estate plan

If you die before your husband, he will have saved a lot more money than if he had stayed single and paid all his own expenses. Plus, he will receive your Social Security benefits. It’s the luck of the draw, and it won’t harm you in your lifetime. It’s nice that someone can get it. That person might be the one. I have one minor suggestion. If one partner dies before the other, both can use each other’s property during their lifetime, or make different plans for that property upon each person’s death.

There is no “normal” solution to the situation you describe. Considering that you met late, you should accept his plan to pass on his apartment to his cousin’s 10-year-old grandson, and he should accept your plan to pass on your property to your children. He clearly wants his home to remain with his family, even if it means returning to his distant relatives. Ideally, you would split the costs 50/50, but let’s say you also make money by renting out your apartment. Considering that both people have accumulated wealth throughout their lives, the fairest way to approach this is to treat each other as equals, even in death.

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