Is it gauche to ask financial questions before a first date?

He talked a lot about his children for more than five minutes. He said he owns a small house. He asked me what I did, when I was last in a relationship, what neighborhood I lived in, and whether I rented or owned an apartment, whether it was a studio, a two-bedroom apartment, a one-bedroom apartment, or a two-bedroom apartment. I felt bad, but I answered.

I live in New York City and happen to own my own apartment, but I felt like he was evaluating me and trying to figure out my financial situation before he decided to meet me. He also asked how long I had been in my apartment. Perhaps it was to assess how much equity I had in the apartment. I got the feeling he was too interested in my finances for his first conversation, so I responded, “Wait a minute.”

Once he was satisfied with my answer to this question, he suggested that we meet. I suggested driving into town during the week since I was busy this weekend. Based on his job and occupation, I can reasonably estimate that he makes about twice his salary. But this means nothing to me and I could care less. But considering his money-related questions, it’s ironic.

I asked some friends. Some spat, while others felt such questions were fair. what do you think?

I get annoyed before even the first date.

Related: I want my father to give up his rights to the house so I can refinance and get a $200,000 pension for me and my sister. Is this wise?

Dear Annoying People,

I agree that it’s strange for a virtual stranger to ask you questions about your lifestyle, since he’s not your real estate agent or financial advisor.

According to his question, it is important to him that you have the same level of financial security as he does. If it wasn’t a problem for him, he wouldn’t have asked. It’s as simple as that. Likewise, if he is wealthier than he imagined, he may be less interested than someone who has only partially climbed the wealth ladder. But I think it’s a bit too much to ask in the first conversation, right? yes.

Don’t attach too much importance to the Greek choir. It doesn’t matter whether other people feel comfortable asking such questions on the first call. If the you If you are uncomfortable, there is an answer. After all, you’re the one who has to date him, and you’re the one who expects him to show some outward emotional intelligence and sensitivity. You need to be able to read the room.

Make no mistake. If he asks questions about your real estate holdings or finances, he is interested in this as a way to evaluate (or judge) your suitability as a partner. Maybe he romanticizes his relationship prospects based on his first impressions, and wonders if he can combine his assets to live extravagantly. But words and questions have meaning.

Social Acceptance vs. Social Mobility

In the United States, asking what you do for a living and even in big cities like New York whether you rent or own may seem more acceptable than in some European countries. According to the Pew Research Center, the United States is a nation of immigrants, with more immigrants than any other country in the world.

Although a majority of Americans doubt the achievability of intergenerational upward mobility, and millions more are reassessing their relationship with work-life balance, the idea is to try, work harder, and do better than previous generations. Aftermath of the pandemic.

Wealth and looks play a role in whether someone swipes left or right, but the former appears to be more important when it comes to connecting with partners you find attractive. According to a 2020 study, “When considering long-term interest, a model’s physical attractiveness appears to act as an obstacle that participants must first clear before considering other factors.”

People swipe right based on economic factors. It would be reckless or idealistic to suggest otherwise. But if a man wears sunglasses and poses next to a Lamborghini listing Bitcoin BTCUSD with his two thumbs up,
-1.78%
Trading as one of his hobbies, he likely doesn’t own a Lamborghini and, I think, may have “Tinder Swindler” level intentions.

And what if your potential partner is attractive and wealthy? It seems like an attractive combination. The study, published in the Journal of Economic Behavior and Organization, found that female online daters are 10 times more likely to click on profiles of men with higher incomes, while male online daters are more likely to click on female profiles regardless of their income. This is the same. income.

I don’t believe too much in research showing that while men look for attractive partners, women are more interested in men who appear wealthy. You could probably collect a sample of online dating sites that would allow you to analyze them and draw conclusions that say pretty much everything you want them to say. It all depends on the individual. Anyone who knows the exact size of their backyard and is trying to keep up with the Joneses is more likely to ask whether they want to rent or own.

In other words, the person who bullied you because of your socioeconomic situation may still be the perfect match for someone else.

If you have any financial or ethical questions, you can email The Moneyist at qfottrell@marketwatch.com and you can follow Quentin Fottrell on X, a platform previously known as Twitter.

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